It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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