Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
