Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
