Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Girls should come with a carfax report
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
