does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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