Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
don't judge my taste in strippers
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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