he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
