My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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