I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
