drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
