Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize