Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
