It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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