the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
