then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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