Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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