She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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