remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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