I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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