Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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