She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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