I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
