I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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