Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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