I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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