I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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