Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
