We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
