Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
