"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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