I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
