Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
