he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
