Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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