You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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