I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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