just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
