I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
nutella sex= disaster
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
