Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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