which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
