I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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