I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
