You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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