remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
