If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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