im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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