why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
