I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
