I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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