Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
