I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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