So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
