Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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