Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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