The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
