My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
