I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
