dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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