Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
