I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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