Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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