Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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