Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
