I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
