I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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