we should wear snuggies to the strip club
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
