So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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