sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
