I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I got inside last night via doggy door
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
